ok so yeah it's been 2 months since i've posted anything, and idk who even reads this anymore or if i should even keep this, but anyway erik's gonna be here any minute and i'm feeling an intenseeeee urgency to just let SOMEONE know how i am feeling right now.
ok so this week kinda blew my mind. no joke.
like how can i even explain any of this.
it's been kinda turbulent since we were both extra-stressed, he was sick, and we just hadn't seen each other in a while.
but reunion time omg.. he comes on wednesday,
and he meets all my friends,
and we make out on the library roof with the boston skyline which has been my fantasy since freshman year,
and we had sex that night for the first time.. he essentially lost his virginity that night..
and we celebrated easter together this morning, and i was the first girl he's ever introduced to his extended family, and his dad and brother met my mom and steve, and we ate a polish easter brunch and his godmother asked us when's the wedding HAHA and i honestly felt married for a minute and honestly i can't stop thinking about it and i don't understand it because i'm smarter than this.
i can't stop talking or thinking about him.
i'm 22 years old... in a few weeks, a college grad. off to most likely nyu in the fall.
i can't think this way yet.
make it stop.
i never thought i'd be writing a livejournal letter to you,
but this is all really shocking,
and i'm sorry that we never had a proper goodbye.. it's all too strange.
i'm looking at your facebook and it makes me so incredibly sad and nauseous and sick.
i'm glad you get to be in your mother's arms once more, but
i miss you like crazy already and it's only been an hour.
i love you.
there's a part of me that's feeling like i'm a big disease or something.. what do i have to do to get a guy to like me?
is it my looks? is it my intimidating personality? ..because there's a loyal and kind person underneath all the toughness.
i don't understand.
..in other news as i was walking home from kathleen's house last night, around 1am or so, i called corey and we had a good talk.. he wasn't feeling good but he still was in his garage with joey watching the hurricane... it felt SO good to talk to him.
but then when we hung up, i wrote him the following:
"hey, so i hope u really dont judge me for saying this (im sure you wont), but i miss u a whole lot. idk what to do. ive like never felt this before. help? im like trying sooo hard not to txt/call but as u can see i cant do it. i think about u all the time and im trying so hard to let go but nothings working. im sry but i just dunno...soo i hope youre not upset.. im trying but at the same time but im half-hoping that ur thinking likewise. i feel that france has changed me quite a bit but im not asking for anything. im just so...middle of the road. i wanted to let u know where im at. also i hope u feel better and i think its cool that ur mom and dad are in the same house again <3 [because his dad and joey got evacuated because of the storm]"
i have no idea whyyy exactly i said all that...im guessing it was the wine?...but reading it now, i do feel this way..like exactly. it's so natural to be with him..i can be myself, and since he was telling me alllll about his clogged nostrils, i know he feels that comfortable with me, too.
there's a part of me that wants to re-visit this subject in december.. when i'm home for christmas. because i'm pretty sure i'm going to NYU for grad school and it would be good for us to start anew on our home-turf.. both of us on long island rekindling this thing.
in other news, carter's flight got canceled so guess who's EIC-ing for a while? this guy. it's SOOOO tough haha..i'm kinda scared about this coming semester for that very reason..i don't know a lot about the managerial stuff; it's going to be a "hit the ground running" type of semester :/
also a road trip to florida with taylor might be in the works this winter? lol.
so it was kind of an allegorical dream last night, similar to (i believe?) a dream i had around christmas...or maybe it was based on a movie i watched, but i replaced all the main characters with people i'm close to. it was TOO weird.. i was in new jersey, i was at babylon train station, i was at my gramma's house trying to take pictures of my family. anyway..
so basically, i had to choose between corey and mark.
in the old dream i had months ago, i chose corey.
in this dream, it took a long damn time to tell him, but after feeding me nutella by a fountain and then making out with me for it (haha weirdddd), i chose mark.
but then the dream took a dark spin and he told me that though he was glad i didn't choose "the stupid one," that he was dying.
i woke up before any hospital scenes.
UGH THE WORST.
so i guess some romance updates:
joey/corey's and my good friend, amanda, had a chat a few days ago. she asked me if there was french lovin, and i answered, more like american...but we know where my heart still lies.
amanda responded, aww corey. well to be honest, you guys ALWAYS get back together, so just wait for the obvious to happen
strange turn of events.
so i've been into steven here..and he's all, i'm not looking for anything in talloires blah blah blah.
meanwhile, his roommate, sean.
ok, so he IS cute and we flirted a lot in the beginning, but i just wanted to stay friends--mostly because josette liked/likes him.
then he invites me over his house to eat some cheese (?).
and that night, alcohol-induced i admit, we almost make out.
idk what's going on..
home in 12 days..russia in 8.. this program has FLOWN by.
Created by xmycheapescapex and taken 7513 times on Bzoink
|Where are you at?:|| On my bed at my host-family's house in Menthon, France |
|Where were you last?:|| Probably the bathroom..stomach virus thing.. |
|Are you in a relationship?:|| Nope. |
|Are you happy?:|| Sure. |
|What is the last thing you accomplished?:|| Homework. |
|What are your plans for the next week?:|| End of Talloires and RUSSIA at the end of the week. |
|What are some goals you have?:|| Fulbright.. establish an awesome future.. kick ass at the Daily this semester. |
|What are you listening to?:|| Eve f. Gwen Stefani--Let Me Blow Ya Mind |
|Any regrets?:|| Plenty...but I realized there's no such thing, really, because you wanted to do that thing at the time. It's relative. |
|Eating anything?:|| Haha no..I haven't eaten in like 7 hours and grateful for that. |
|Drinking?:|| Water. |
|Who are you with?:|| Hannah. |
|Last person you saw?:|| Host-mom. |
|Next person you'll see?:|| Hopefully Sean haha. |
|How are you feeling?:|| Sick/tightness.. mellow. |
|Mood?:|| Mellow? Haha. |
|What did you do yesterday?:|| Went to a flea market and the beach, and interviewed my host-parents for a health project |
|The day before?:|| Haha NOTHING. bummed. |
|Today?:|| pretty much the same as saturday but i have a wayyy valid excuse today. |
|Are you independent?:|| definitely. |
|Do you want kids?:|| definitely. |
|Would you be a good parent?:|| let's hope. |
|Do you want to get married?:|| of course. |
|Are you/have you ever been a *player*?:|| ummm, maybe? |
|Favorite restaurants?:|| IHOP haha jk.. Cracker Barrel..Montana's |
|Do you live on your own?:|| For the most part...I have roommates |
|Do you plan on moving soon?:|| Yes! To my house in Boston in August! |
|Things you need to buy to move?:|| A bed haha. |
|What do you want for Christmas?:|| Cookbooks.. a fan for my laptop.. umm.. |
|Halloween plans?:|| Pub night I hope? |
|Tonight plans?:|| Dinner, laundry, TV, sleeeeep. |
|How many webisites are you a member of?:|| I dunno. |
|Do you have a car?:|| Used to.. RIP Saturn. |
|Do you have a job?:|| 3, technically. |
|Are you in school?:|| Senior in college! |
|When do you plan on being out of school?:|| Who knows.. haha, May for sure. |
|What personality traits are most attractive in your bf/gf?:|| Attentive/receptive, cuddly, witty |
|Physical?:|| Tall, lean, smiley |
|Can you date more than one person at a time?:|| Haha I have..not recommended. |
|Can you be in a relationship with more than one person at a time?:|| Ditto. |
|Have you ever cheated?:|| Yes.. |
|Been cheated on?:|| Yep. |
|What do you consider cheating?:|| A good hook-up behind the other's back. |
|Once a cheater, always a cheater?:|| No. |
|What can someone do to make you feel insecure about a relationship?:|| Lie. Talk shit to his friends. Never communicating. |
|What can someone do to make you feel wanted?:|| Call/text quite a bit.. Hugs.. |
|How do you know you like someone?:|| I just get excited around them I guess. |
|How do you know you love someone?:|| When you've gone through a strange but serious milestone together.. like to Hell and back. |
|Where is your family?:|| New York. |
|Where is your best friend?:|| I think at her house in Boston. |
|What are you needing right now?:|| To fart. Haha sorry but seriously. |
|Wanting?:|| Chocolate. |
|When will you see your bf next?:|| Ummm? |
|Last movie you saw?:|| Basketball Diaries <3 |
|Next movie you want to see?:|| The Fighter/ HP7: Part II |
|Last 4 websites you visited?:|| Facebook, megavideo, youtube, and yahoo |
|Last person you talked to online?:|| Probs Corey. |
|Last compliment recieved?:|| I'm not frail and wiry. Seriously meant as a compliment.. he likes his girls "savage" |
|Last compliment given?:|| No idea.. give them out A LOT. |
|What are you doing after this is done?:|| Getting my laundry off the rack outside, and dinner. |
|You've been totally Bzoink*d!|
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i'm really, really worried about how i'll feel tomorrow.
my feelings are probably NEVER going to disappear for corey, but they're going to be almost dangerous tomorrow.
..tomorrow would have been our five-year anniversary, and i'm already pretty upset we didn't make it to that "important date" that he was talking about for ages.
in other news, i'm sorry my posts are few and far between...it's just my life in france is amazing therapy.
i wanna be friends with benefits.
i know he misses me, too.. but i don't really want to be serious with him anymore.
i plan on writing him a letter that he should receive around june 19.. what would have been our five-year anniversary. man!
we're also skyping tomorrow... hmm.
je ne sais pas mothafucka!
i dunno what's going on.
can somebody tell me how to stop missing him?
you think after losing 2 lovers in a year, i'd be really good at this come 2011.
hello, greetings from france!
i apologize for this entry, but i feel after this strange semester i need to do something i don't do too often: brag.
if you don't like it, don't read.
1. i'm absolutely beautiful. my ex-boyfriend may "hate the new niki" but honestly, so many people don't. when i was home in new york, i went for a walk and so many guys slowed down to check me out..or they beep. in france, i'll sit at the bus stop and the guys will do the same thing! and last night at the bar, these guys asked me if i wanted a ride home = sex. hahaha no. but thank you.
my point: my time at the gym, and my easy ability to tan, and my unique hair color, and green eyes and awesome bright smile equal a big win. big-boned or not, it took SO DAMN LONG for me to acknowledge this fact.
oh, and in other news, this guy sean on my program and i flirted like crazyyy at this bar downtown last night, and i forget what the premise was but he said no to something, and i was like, "i know, it's because i'm ugly, right?" and he was like, yeahhhhh sooooo ugly and shook his head. then before i got in the cab he let me wear his jacket. it's sitting in my backpack by my bed. awesome.
2. it is COOL, far from nerdy, that i speak 4 languages. my roommate here in france is AMAZED how fluent i am in french..personally, i didn't know it 'til this afternoon when she left her phone in the cab last night and i had to talk to the taxi driver on the phone explaining the situation. and talking to our french-only parents. even the kids in french 32 on the program are like, ummmm, how'd you lose your american accent? WIN.
3. i am funny. and know how to laugh at myself. like when i downed that digestif like a shot. awesome.
4. i'm a true soviet when it comes to liquor. a strong trait.
5. i'm incredibly low-maintenance for somebody with all this work. the work-hard-play-hard mentality coming to full force in france. awesome.
6. i'm so good at making friends, it kind of scares me sometimes. i have made literally 25 new friends or so in 5 days. and my roommate and i have strangely good chemistry.
7. i'm impressed by the leaps of faith i have taken in the past week: eating raw salmon and mayo, cherries, speaking only french outside of school, flirting with new cute boys in both languages...gosh.
sorry if this was horrible to read, but i'll come back to this in the winter when i'm buried with work, and i'll smile.
host-dad turns off the internet in 5 minutes, so bonne nuit, y'all.
make it stop!
[EDIT:] WHO IN THE WORLD KISSES ON THE LIPS AND SAYS IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!? WHO!